Wait For Me
by typewriterfan
Summary: With the destruction of MerDer and the great loss of Derek Shepherd, this is my take on MerDer's "happy ending" and the end of "Grey's Anatomy." Derek died April 23, 2015. It's 20 years later and Meredith has early onset Alzheimer's disease. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter One

**Chapter One - "I've Got a Thing For Ferryboats."**

Meredith Grey stood motionless as she stared calmly out of a big bay window. It was the only thing she actually liked about the strange apartment she lived in. The window had a spectacular view and made her feel less like a prisoner and more like a human. The apartment was familiar, but it didn't feel like home. She felt trapped. Even with her own belongings and framed pictures scattered throughout the rooms, she felt restless most of the time. She could hear someone talking behind her, but she couldn't make out the words. She was distracted by a ferryboat in the water across the bay. Meredith smiled, "I have a thing for ferryboats."

"Mrs. Shepherd?"

Meredith's smile remained and she turned away from the view that pleased her.

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith's eyes landed on a nurse. She searched her thoughts for a moment before responding, "Mrs. Shepherd is fine." She liked the way it sounded. It soothed her. Hearing '_Mrs. Shepherd'_ made the constant, nagging, feeling that something wasn't right dissipate.

"Mrs. Shepherd, your daughter and sister are here to visit." The nurse smiled, "Are you up for a visit?"

"Lexie?" Meredith scoffed as her eyebrows furrowed, "What is she doing here? She should be working."

"Not Lexie, Mrs. Shepherd," The nurse said gently, "It's Dr. Pierce."

Meredith shrugged. She turned back to the window. Her ferryboat was gone. The disappointment was overwhelming. Ferryboats made her feel peaceful. Ferryboats brought a light to the constant daze that her daily life had become.

"Mom?"

Meredith sighed and turned back to the doorway. Two women stood there. They looked vulnerable, familiar, and timid. One was older than the other. She searched, knowing she should be able to place their faces with a name. As she struggled to find a familiar memory, the older woman slightly startled her as she spoke.

"Hi, Meredith," Maggie greeted, "How are you today?"

Meredith scowled as she searched her memory. She knew them. She'd seen those faces before. She recognized Maggie's voice. 'Derek would know.' Meredith thought, 'Where was he? She needed his help.'

"I know you." Meredith announced.

"Mom, it's me... Zola."

Meredith stared at the younger of the two women, "Zola." She could remember Zola. As a tiny little girl. Her _'Zo-Zo.'_ A happy little girl. She had a daughter; a beautiful, grown, daughter.

* * *

_Meredith walked into the foyer of her mother's old house prompted by the doorbell. She was hoping for a pizza delivery boy, but froze when she found a pleasant surprise._

_"Meredith?" Derek called from the kitchen where he waited for her, concern evident in his voice._

_"Derek?" Meredith was frozen. She stared at the front door of her house, "Is that our baby?"_

_Derek joined her in the foyer, "Yes. Yes it is."_

_Meredith watched him walk quickly to the door to take Zola from the social worker. She was theirs. They were finally a family. _

* * *

Meredith felt her eyes sting a little as frustrated tears threatened her eyes, "You're so grown up."

"Yeah, Mama..." Zola smiled, "I just got married remember?"

Meredith searched her brain for the memory. She tried to remember Derek walking their daughter down the aisle. She couldn't find it. Instead, she smiled and reached out her hand to her daughter, "Honey, I'm so proud of you."

Zola smiled and grabbed her mother's hand with her left, "Remember my ring?"

Meredith stared at the sparkling diamond as she held tightly to her daughter's hand. She did remember the ring, "Yes, it is so beautiful! You married a doctor." She found comfort in knowing Zola would be taken care of, regardless of what happened to Meredith. Her daughter was happy.

Zola nodded, "I did... He's very dreamy."

Meredith's grin widened, "Just like your dad."

Zola's voice caught in her throat as she replied, "Yes mama... Just like daddy."

"I knew you'd remember," Maggie beemed with pride, "Did you also remember he's the newly appointed chief resident?"

Meredith laughed, "No...? That's wonderful."

Zola and Maggie nodded.

"He'll be chief of cardio in no time," Zola winked as she playfully shoved Maggie's shoulder.

"I tried to tell you that neuro is where it's at." Meredith sighed with a tease and shook her head playfully.

"Well Bailey listened to you..." Zola shrugged, "Aunt Christina never had a bad thing to say about heart surgeons. I think I played my cards right."

"He's a great intern, Mer..." Maggie defended. "He's going to be a great surgeon."

Meredith stared at them. She felt confused. "Dr. Bailey is not an intern."

"No, Bailey my brother..." Zola giggled, "Remember? He's interning at Grey Sloan Memorial. He makes everyone call him Dr. Derek Shepherd there. He totally dropped the Bailey."

Meredith felt pleased by this. She loved the thought of her son following directly in his father's footsteps, but she made a mental note to remind him of why Bailey was an important part of his name.

"So, your new husband is chief resident and he's into cardio." Meredith smiled, "I'm impressed. Christina would be proud."

"And don't forget that he's dreamy..." Zola reminded with giddy, girlish, charm.

'McDreamy' Meredith thought to herself. Was it a thought or a memory? Sometimes she couldn't tell the difference.

The room fell silent as they all searched for the right words to say next. Meredith felt her chest tighten. She was unsure why, but it was hard to ignore. She felt tears in her eyes. She never knew where they came from anymore, but they sure came often.

"Mer?" Maggie said quietly, "Are you okay?"

Meredith stared off into space. She could hear his voice so clearly, almost as if he were standing right behind her.

* * *

_"Seattle has ferryboats." Derek announced._

_"Yes?" Meredith replied as she stared questioningly at his face._

_"I didn't know that. I've been living here six weeks. I didn't know there were ferryboats."_

_"Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides," Meredith playfully pointed out._

_"Hence the ferryboats. Now I have to like it here. I wasn't planning on liking it here. I'm genetically engineered to dislike everywhere, except Manhattan. I have a thing for ferryboats."_

* * *

Meredith smiled contently and went back to the window. She found another ferryboat in the water. This time she felt her throat closing.

* * *

_'There was smoke. Fire. People. People everywhere. Children were crying. Cries for help and cries of pain were being swallowed by the sounds of sirens and helicopters. Dead people everywhere. Emergency response teams were running. They were running every direction across the pier. The ferryboat. There was a little girl with blonde pigtails. She was lost. Blonde braided pigtails. The water. There was water. Seattle was surrounded by water on three sides. The ferryboat. The water. The water was cold. She was trying to swim. The ferryboat. She needed to help save these injured people. Derek. Where was Derek? Did he see the ferryboat?'_

* * *

"Meredith."

Maggie's voice shook her from the scene. Meredith suddenly inhaled and shook her head softly. She glanced at Maggie and then back to the bay. The ferryboat was still there. It wasn't on the pier. People were safe. She was in a room watching ferryboats. She liked ferryboats. She could hear him again. She wanted to hear him all the time. Hearing his voice made her feel less trapped.

* * *

_"So, it's intense. This thing I have for ferry boats I mean."_

_Meredith replied, "I'm so taking the stairs this time."_

_"You have no self control. It's sad. Really."_

* * *

Meredith giggled. His voice made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. She could hear it so clearly. She could see his blue eyes. She smiled as she thought of his scrub cap.

"Mom?" Zola questioned, "What are you thinking?"

Meredith wrapped her arms around herself, "He likes ferryboats."

Zola nodded and moved her disappointed eyes in Maggie's direction.

"Who likes ferryboats?" Maggie questioned Zola in a barely audible whisper.

Zola gave a half hearted smile and whispered back, "My dad."


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two - "It's Always Been You."**

Meredith was lying in her bed, curled up to a pillow and facing the window. There were no ferryboats today. She felt sad. She watched the lightning illuminate the gray sky. She wasn't sure what time it was, or even what day it was. Rain pelted against her window. She had a bad feeling. When she heard a knock on the door she ignored it. She knew whoever it was would come in anyway. She had no privacy. She wanted to go home.

"Hey stranger…" Alex Karev greeted as he closed her bedroom door behind him, "I heard you're feeling down today."

"I have a bad feeling Alex." Meredith sighed not making eye contact. She continued to stare at the rain.

"The last time you said that you got your hand stuck in a body cavity…" Alex almost laughed at the distant memory of their internship.

Meredith sat up and looked at him, "On a bomb…."

Alex smiled and nodded, "Talk about crazy shit."

"This is different Alex…" Meredith shook her head, "It's Derek."

Alex bit his lip, "What about him?"

"I miss him." Meredith said. She could hear her voice shake, "I can't…. remember the last time we kissed…. And I also can't remember if he is in surgery or if he went to D.C."

Alex stared at her, "What year is it Mer?"

She shrugged, "I don't like fighting with him."

"I know." Alex offered half a smile, "But he'll come back to you. He always does."

Meredith twisted her fingers around each other repeatedly as she searched her brain. She needed him. She needed to hear his voice.

"Can we call him?" Meredith asked, "I need to hear his voice…. I have a terrible feeling."

"He's probably busy…" Alex shrugged, "Who knows how many surgeries he had today."

Meredith felt the tears. She hated this feeling. She hated the frustration.

"Hey…. Mer," Alex squeezed her hand, "It's okay. Everything is fine. Derek loves you so much…. remember? No matter where he is right now, we both know how much he loves you."

"Post it…" Meredith whispered.

"That's right." Alex nodded, "Plus, I brought you a present. Your nurse will kick my ass if she finds out, but, I've never been one to follow the rules."

Meredith's eyes widened as Alex pulled out a bottle of Jose and she smiled, "Tequila. My favorite."

"Do you want a drink?" Alex questioned, "I brought all the tequila fixings…"

Meredith grabbed the bottle and grinned. She ran her hand slowly over the label. The warmth she'd been missing washed over her as Derek's voice drifted through her mind.

* * *

_"So what's your story?"_

_"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar."_

_"I'm just a guy in a bar."_

* * *

_"_Let's do a shot." Meredith said with excitement.

Alex grabbed two shot glasses from his bag and poured the warm gold liquid into each of them. They each picked one up and raised them in the air.

"To love…" Alex nodded towards Meredith and they both let the hostile, burning, liquid slide down their throats.

"Do you miss Izzy?" Meredith asked as she handed the glass back to him.

Alex shrugged, "Sometimes. But I've moved on. I'm glad she's happy."

"Remember that time you gave George Syphilis and he punched you in the face?" Meredith laughed.

"Hey… wait a minute…" Alex almost laughed too, "Technically…. I did not give George Syphilis. That bimbo nurse did."

Meredith giggled at the memory and then sobered up quickly, "I wonder where George would be if he were still alive."

"Who knows… Probably still here in Seattle like the rest of us." Alex began pouring another shot.

"I miss Derek…" Meredith sighed, "I can't remember the last time we kissed. It's the worst feeling."

Alex handed her another shot. She let her index finger slowly circle the rim of the glass. She enjoyed when Alex came to visit. He never expected anything out of her. He never made her feel like she wasn't good enough or that she was supposed to remember something special. He just sat with her and they talked. He let her lead conversations and if she didn't want to talk, he was okay with that too.

"Alex… I can't get rid of this feeling." Meredith gasped as she took the shot.

"Tell me about it. What's happening?" Alex questioned as he put the tequila back in his bag.

"It comes in waves. Something isn't right." Meredith shook her head as her eyes searched his face for any kind of help. She heard Derek's voice again.

* * *

_"It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth T-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. Was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."_

* * *

Tears trickled slowly down her cheek as she shook her head in disagreement. 'He's wrong…' Meredith thought to herself, 'That's not right.'

"Hey, don't cry." Alex said softly, "It's gonna be okay, remember?"

Meredith stood from the bed and began to pace. She glanced out the window. No ferryboats. It was still raining. The sky was dark and twisty. It was a mirror image of how she felt inside. She was dying to have some type of control over the mess of emotions she'd become.

"Why am I not working?" Meredith ranted as she paced, "Being alone is so much harder when you're not working."

"You're not alone." Alex corrected, "And I thought you had the day off today."

"He's wrong." Meredith ignored Alex, "And you're wrong too."

"Who's he?" Alex asked confused.

"Derek…" Meredith stopped pacing and turned to Alex, "The last time we kissed I was not wearing my Dartmouth t-shirt."

"Oh." Alex nodded and played along, "Okay, then when?"

Meredith turned back to the window. She seemed to always find her memories there. It was like they were lost at sea and she could occasionally catch one that rode in on a wave, or more often than not, on a ferryboat.

* * *

_"Don't move. Wait for me." _

_Then he kissed her. A perfect kiss. His lips on hers. Their embrace tight. He was kissing her. It was long, endearing, and it took her breath away. It was followed by two quick pecks like husbands and wives do._

_"I'll be back before you know it." Derek's blue eyes sparkled as he spoke._

_And with that she watched him walk away._

* * *

"It was before he left to go back to D.C." Meredith told Alex, "I remember. He's going to quit his job and come home. He's not in surgery Alex. He's in D.C."

Alex's heart broke for his dear friend. She was right about her last kiss. She just couldn't remember how the rest of the story went. At the risk of upsetting her, Alex didn't question her story. Instead, he played along like he always did, "Like I said, he'll be back before you know it."

Meredith nodded and sat back down on her bed. She felt better. She felt warm. Derek kissed her. They were happy. Derek was coming home. She remembered how badly she wanted to go with him to DC. She still wished she had gone to help him get the rest of his things. She hated being separated so quickly after their reconciliation.

"I think I need to lay down." Meredith announced.

"Okay," Alex stood and picked up his bag, "I'm glad I got to see you today."

He understood. Her brain worked overtime trying to hang on to memories and remember specific details. He knew it didn't help that he gave her alcohol. She was bound to be exhausted from the combination.

Meredith stood and hugged him, "Thank you for coming, and thanks for my present. That was fun."

Alex laughed, "I'll try not to make it a habit. I miss you. I'll see you soon."

"Okay," Meredith waved as she watched her friend walk towards the door. When he was gone she went back to her bed and grabbed the photo of her and Derek from her night stand. She sighed contently as she stared at it. His dreamy blue eyes stared back at her. They were both smiling. She pulled the picture to her chest and fell back against her pillows.

* * *

_"You're like coming up for fresh air. Like I was drowning and you saved me. I still feel that way. When I see you…what we have…our family…That's the feeling. It's you. It's always been you."_

* * *

Meredith closed her eyes. She was blessed. Derek was back. He was coming back. The terrible feeling was gone and she could breathe now. She drifted off to sleep as his words echoed in her mind.

* * *

_"It's you. It's always been you."_


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three: "It's a beautiful day to save lives."**

She stared into clear blue eyes. She saw drive, excitement, and compassion in them. She saw Derek. She knew he was her son, even if most of her memories of him were when he was a little boy. She could look at him on a good day or a bad day and her damaged brain would know that the man she was staring at was Derek Bailey Shepherd. She could remember having him like it was yesterday.

* * *

"_He's perfect." _

_Meredith cried at the sight of Derek holding their newborn son._

"_He's just perfect."_

* * *

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked, "Are you crazy? Don't you have scut to do or something?" She surprised herself, and Bailey, at her ability to remember the fact that he was a surgical intern. She was having one of her better days.

"Mom!" Bailey pushed passed her and into her apartment, "I found something. I'm so excited. You're going to love it."

"What is it?" Meredith eyed him questioningly. She never did like surprises, but these days she hated them even more than she used to.

"It's you and dad." Bailey pulled out a couple of DVDs, "Operating. Together. I found them in the archives at the hospital. I thought you would like to watch it with me."

Meredith stared at the objects in her son's hand. She couldn't identify the feeling they brought her. Maybe she was nervous. She couldn't decide. She wasn't sure what she was about to see.

"I can't remember operating." Meredith finally whispered and then looked into her son's eyes, "I'm a surgeon."

Bailey nodded. She said it more as a reminder, a stament, rather than a question.

"We don't have to watch," Bailey surrendered, "I just have the day off and I should study. What better way to study than to watch two brilliant surgeons operate all day?"

Meredith offered a small smile, "We can watch."

"I brought popcorn." Bailey flashed his mother's smile.

She saw herself in him too. He was a perfect mix. She smiled back and led him to the couch. She grabbed one of the DVDs and hesitated as she opened it. 'It's okay.' She told herself, 'There's nothing to be afraid of.' She exhaled and pressed play when the DVD retreated back into the DVD player.

Bailey moved a pillow so Meredith could sit next to him. She plopped down and hugged the pillow to her chest as a crowded operating room appeared on the television screen.

"Ok everybody." Dr. Derek Shepherd sighed deeply, "It's a beautiful day to save lives. Scalpel."

Meredith stared in awe as Derek's voice came through the speakers. There he was. Derek. He was in his element. He wore his ferryboat scrub cap. She felt tears spring into her eyes. She saw herself standing next to him. She looked so young. She was an intern. She felt Bailey's hand squeeze hers.

"You okay?" Bailey asked as he saw a tear slip down her cheek.

Meredith nodded, "He's so good. I don't remember this. I just remember that he is extraordinarily good. He loved his work."

Meredith caught herself. 'Loved?' She thought, 'Why would you say that? Where was Derek?' She shook her head. She was confused again.

"Mom. You are extraordinary too. You were both beyond brilliant. I'm so proud to be the son of two amazing surgeons. I have so much to learn, but I want to follow in my parents footsteps." Bailey told her, "Getting the chance to watch surgeries like these. It's a gift."

"I'm proud of you Bailey." Meredith squeezed his hand back, "You're going to be a good surgeon. A brilliant one. Don't ever give up. It's going to be hard. But don't ever give up."

"I'm going to have it all... Like you and dad." Bailey smiled, "I'm going to be brilliant. Have a great career, love, a wife, and a family. I want to build a dream house like the one we used to live in. I want it all."

"Dream house." Meredith whispered.

* * *

"_Take a look at the shirt I bought Zola. It's in the bag on the counter." Meredith told Derek as he walked into the kitchen towards the refrigerator._

"_Guys don't get all goo-goo over baby clothes," Derek sighed but turned around towards the counter._

"_Just look," Meredith demanded._

_Derek pulled the pink shirt out, "What is this?" _

_She watched him read the front of the shirt and then look at her. He turned it around and held it up for her. She smiled at him._

"_It's only three weeks, so I shouldn't even be telling you. I mean, I still have a hostile uterus and terrible things are constantly happening to us, which is why I haven't told anyone. I haven't even told Christina. So, if you tell anyone, I swear I will kick you out of this house… that you built."_

_Derek walked towards her, "Don't worry… And good things happen to us. We're gonna have another baby." The smile she saw on his face was priceless. He kissed her. _

"_We're gonna have another baby," She laughed as she repeated him and sealed it with a kiss._

* * *

Meredith looked at her son, "Bad things are constantly happening to us."

Bailey let his eyes fall to the floor, "Mom, I'm sorry."

She shook her head, "I don't want you to be like me… thinking the world is out to get you. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I think it is definitely out to get me… but…. you're bright and shiny. Like you're father. I want you to be bright and shiny. Brilliant. You can be the sun. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Be positive…. you'll have to fight like hell, but you can have it all."

* * *

"_And good things happen to us."_

* * *

She heard Derek. She always heard Derek.

"Good things happen to us." Meredith nodded, "That's how your dad sees the world. Be that way."

Bailey stared at his mom and then smiled as he quoted his father, "It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Meredith felt the tears again. Those bastard tears, but these tears felt more on the happy side of things, "That's right," She nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat, "Always."

She hugged Bailey, thankful for his existence, "I love you."

"I love you too mom." Bailey whispered as he hugged her back.

Meredith closed her eyes. She was in the operating room. Ferryboat scrub cap. She was remembering. They stole glances at each other.

* * *

'_It's a beautiful day to save lives.' _


	4. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four: "The Carousel Never Stops Turning." **

_Warm lips made a tantalizing path from behind her ear down the side of her neck. She was giggling. He was behind her, arms wrapped securely around her waist, pulling her close to his chest. Warm lips. His lips. _

"_Derek." Meredith protested through a mixture of laughter and desire as she unwound herself from his arms. She put space between their bodies. She gazed playfully into his eyes._

"_Meredith," Derek gazed at her with desire filled crystal blues. His arms reached for her, desperate to close the distance between them._

_She grinned like a school girl as he forced her body back to his. She was no competition for his strength. His lips brushed hers gently._

"_Why are you protesting?" He asked before kissing her again, "You have nowhere to be." His hands found their way to her hair, entangling themselves in the soft strands. Her skin craved more of his touch._

_Meredith moaned as she let herself be kissed. She kissed him back. He never failed to make her pulse race. Her hands slid up his chest, caressing the muscle that lay hidden under his shirt. She wanted access to the beauty that lay underneath his clothes._

"_God, I love you," Derek breathed as he pushed her up against the wall._

* * *

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith let her eyes focus. The voice was distant. She surveyed her surroundings. Derek was gone. She was alone. In the shower. 'Who's shower?' Meredith questioned. She sat on the floor staring up at the shower head as it pelted hot water down on her defeated frame.

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, "I'm fine."

"A couple more minutes. You've been in there for a long time."

'Nurse whatever her name was,' Meredith thought to herself. She was sure it was a nurse. She didn't remember getting in the shower. She didn't remember how long she'd been in the shower. She was mad at the nurse for interrupting whatever the hell was going on in her head. Was it a memory or did she make it up? She didn't care. All she knew was that Derek was there.

She closed her eyes and let the water wash over her face. A hot lonely shower was a far cry from safe in Derek's arms. She'd always been a pillar of strength, but lately she felt like the pillar was teetering. She was certain the pillar would fall soon. Despite the heat from the running water, she felt cold. She felt alone. She felt empty. Before she could control it, she was back in the hospital. She was standing in the middle of the hallway yelling at Derek. She was emotional.

* * *

"_Just leave it alone Derek, it was one night in jail. You drive too fast! Just forget about it." _

"_I don't want to talk about that. Don't worry about that." Derek protested._

_Meredith cut him off, "Don't worry about it? All I do is worry. All the time, I spend every minute of every day worrying that I'm gonna get a phone call that you wrapped your car around a pole. That's why I left you in jail… so that for a little while, I would know that you weren't dying like you were dying on that table. That's what I think about every time you pull out of the driveway."_

"_I'm right here." Derek reassured, "I'm okay."_

* * *

But he wasn't right here. She was alone. Was he okay? Maybe she left him in jail. She forced herself to stand up from the shower floor. She didn't remember if she'd washed her hair. She didn't care. She turned off the water.

"Dr. Grey can I help you with anything?"

"No, I'm fine." Meredith sighed, "I'm freaking fine."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey."

'Why did a nurse have to stand outside her bathroom while she showered?' Meredith wondered as she wrapped a towel around her body. She was tired of taking orders from nurses. At the hospital she would be ordering nurses around. She wished for a moment she could be in the operating room, lost in the task of saving someone's life. Leading a surgery gave her some sense of control, although in reality you never really had control over the human body. Anything could happen.

She wiped the condensation from the mirror with her hand and stared at her reflection. 'Who are you?' She questioned herself. The woman staring back at her looked like a stranger. She looked weak. Sad. Her eyes were hard steel and cold, 'Why can't you get a grip?'

* * *

_She was standing in an elevator. Derek stood behind her. The distance between them was painful. They rode the elevator in silence. "I miss you." Meredith confessed. The silence remained, but she felt his body approach hers. She didn't turn to look at him, she remained forward. She could feel his breath on her neck. She flinched and she heard him whisper, "I can't."_

* * *

"Dammit, Derek." Meredith said under her breath as she shook her head. She grabbed the nearest object and threw it against the wall. A loud crash followed, causing her to flinch.

"Dr. Grey!" The nurse came rushing into her bathroom.

"Get away from me," Meredith raised her voice at the sight of the nurse, "I'm fine. I'm always fine."

"Please let me clean up the glass." The nurse pleaded, "I don't want you to cut yourself."

Meredith turned to see the damage she'd caused. She'd thrown a hairbrush. It knocked a framed piece of artwork off of her wall and sent it crashing to the tile floor. The impact shattered the glass, sending shards flying in multiple directions. It was a mess, but a mess that relieved some of her rage.

"Okay." Meredith agreed, "I'm really sorry. I'm just angry today."

The nurse smiled at her. Meredith tried to smile back, but she just couldn't find one. She left the nurse alone with the mess of glass and walked into her bedroom. She hated this apartment. There were always people here. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be home. She wasn't really sure where that was anymore, but she knew one thing for certain; this apartment didn't feel anything like home.

She crawled on top of her bed despite the fact that she was still wet and wrapped in a towel. She didn't feel like dressing. She didn't feel like anything. She was still seething. She hated Derek today. He came and went in fleeting, torturous, moments. He was frustrating her with every memory her mind threw her way.

* * *

"_You're the love of my life. I can't leave you…. but you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone… not your friends… but you leave me. So I'm asking you… If you don't see a future for us. If you're not in this. Please. Please… just end it because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."_

* * *

Meredith saw the pain in his eyes. She felt angry tears. What about the pain in HER eyes? She rubbed gently at her temples. She didn't want to leave him. She wasn't in control. He was the one leaving her. It wasn't fair. She wanted him to stay. She wanted to go back. She wanted to find happy memories. She wanted a daydream. She wanted him beside her, but for some God forsaken reason she couldn't remember where in the hell he was. She wanted him to put her out of her misery. Today, her memory was a raging storm of pain and angst. She did her best to ride it out, but it never stopped. One moment he was there, and the next he wasn't.

* * *

"_Mom? Mommy?" Meredith peered at her lost mother. _

"_Meredith? You grew up!" Ellis smiled as she greeted her daughter. _

"_I did." Meredith nodded._

"_I__t's a shame. It sucks being a grown up, but the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off." _

* * *

Meredith wanted off. She wanted off now. She was exhausted. Her mother's words echoed in her head.

"..._but the carousel never stops turning."_


	5. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five: "You're My Person."**

_"We'll call each other at least twice a month… and we'll text all the time." _

_"You hate texting." Meredith argued as she eyed Christina._

_"Text me!" Christina ordered, "And don't let Owen get all dark and twisty. Take care of him… and Alex, take care of Alex. He needs to be mocked at least once a day or he'll be insufferable. Don't get on any little tiny planes that can crash, or stick your hand in a body cavity that has a bomb in it, or offer your life to a gunman. Don't do that. Be a hero. You're my person. I need you alive. You make me brave."_

* * *

Meredith was lying on the hardwood floor of her bedroom. She watched the ceiling fan spin, occasionally isolating an individual blade with her eyes and watching it rotate again, and again. It was mundane, but it entertained her. She became so engrossed in staring at the ceiling fan that she almost forgot there was a body lying next to her. She was enjoying the silence.

"Can you please just eat?" Christina Yang asked, "What do I have to do to convince you to eat?"

Meredith pulled her eyes from the fan blades and rotated her head towards Christina.

"You're a doctor Meredith." Christina sighed as she searched Meredith's eyes, "You know how bad it is to go days without food. Your body needs you to eat."

"But I'm not hungry." Meredith stated flatly, "And I had waffles with Derek this morning."

Christina sat up and ran frustrated hands through her curly hair, "Well its way passed lunch… It's time to eat again. Plus we just danced it out. Surely you're hungry after all that physical exertion."

"I said I'm not hungry." Meredith argued, but a hint of a smile lay hidden in her eyes. They had danced it out. It had been too long. 'Or maybe it hadn't.' Meredith thought. She couldn't really remember. Either way, she enjoyed when Christina came to dance it out and lay on the floor in silence. It made her feel less alone in the world.

"If Derek were here you would eat for him." Christina pointed out.

Meredith shrugged and let her eyes resume their focus on the ceiling fan. She was tired today.

Christina swallowed hard as she watched Meredith lying on the floor. She cursed the disease that was claiming her friend. She hardly knew her anymore. She appeared fragile and distant. She tried to look at it from a clinical view, but her emotional attachment made it impossible. Christina didn't feel brave anymore. She felt terrified. She was horrified of the day that Meredith looked at her with no recognition.

"He's not coming back…" Christina blurted out, "Derek isn't coming."

Meredith's eyes darted back to Christina's face and in a defensive tone she spoke, "Why would you say that?"

"Because he isn't. He's not coming Meredith." Christina was almost in tears from the driving force of frustration, fear, and grief over her best friend's condition, "Derek is dead!"

"Christina." Meredith's voice caught in her throat as she stood up quickly and glared, "Take that back. Take it back right now."

Christina shook her head slowly, "I can't. I would never lie to you."

"Derek." Meredith fought for control over the wave of emotions that bombarded her, "DEREK! IS… NOT. DEAD."

Christina turned her back to Meredith. She could hear Meredith's feet shuffle as she begin to pace. She'd agitated her. She'd made a mistake.

"You operated on him Christina. You saved his life." Meredith reminded her, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you ever say that to me?!"

"He didn't die from the gunshot wound." Christina soothed, "There was an accident."

"Yeah." Meredith almost screamed, "A plane crash?! I was there. He survived. I'm sorry if that disappoints you Christina, but he didn't die in the accident. Mark died! Lexie died! Derek did NOT die."

Meredith could barely breathe. She paced quickly as her brain searched at warp speed for a file as terrible as the one Christina described. Her heart was racing and her chest felt tight. Emotions caught in her throat as she fought the urge to strangle Christina. Instead she found herself in an on call room with her. They were each sitting on beds on opposite sides of the room.

* * *

_"I can't stop seeing Derek. It's not about the sex. It's not… about the sex. It's about that moment afterward when the world stops. It just feels so safe... I'm not ready to give that up."_

* * *

Meredith tried to fight the panic. She wanted the world to stop. She needed control. She'd give anything to just make it stop. She needed to be safe. She was dying to be in his arms. Safe. She shook her head.

_"I'm not ready to give that up."_

"I would remember if my husband was dead." Meredith spat, "Derek Shepherd is not dead. He is my husband and we have children… And a post it… and our dream house. Why aren't you in Switzerland?!"

Christina closed her eyes as Meredith's words cut her deep, "I'm sorry Meredith."

"Yeah? Well… you should be." Meredith was crying now, "Just shut up Christina. Just... freaking shut up! Do not talk to me about my husband ever again."

"I'm being insensitive." Christina whispered, "And selfish... And I'm sorry. I just want you to eat something. The nurses are worried about you. I am worried about you…. And Derek would be too."

"Stop talking about him in past tense." Meredith ordered. She left her room for the living room bay window. She needed distance between her, Christina, and the words Christina said to her. Christina's words felt like daggers twisting slowly into the muscles of her abdomen. Her eyes searched the bay for ferryboats. She needed a ferryboat. She wanted peace. She needed to feel safe, but her memory betrayed her.

* * *

_Derek was lying on the floor. Blood. There was so much blood. Her shaking hands were instinctively drawn to the hole in his chest. She applied pressure as she sobbed._

_"I love you, please don't die." Meredith begged._

_"Get out of here Meredith… before… he shoots you too." Derek struggled to breathe through the pain._

_"Do. NOT. DIE." Meredith screamed, "Do you understand? I can't live without you. You die. I die."_

_Christina was there. Everything was a blur except the blood. So much blood. She tried to press harder. She willed the blood to stay in his body. Christina was mumbling words. Words she couldn't make out. _

_"I picked you. I choose you. You don't get to die on me!" Meredith watched Derek begin to lose consciousness, "No, you stay awake! Stay awake!"_

_She shook his uninjured shoulder, "Derek."_

_He turned his head towards her. She shook him some more._

_"Derek, stay awake!"_

* * *

Meredith pushed away from the window and murmured, "Stay awake." No ferryboats today. The horror coursed through her veins. She had no control. Her eyes continued to display her distraught emotions as tears spilled profusely onto her cheeks. Something was wrong. She wiped at the flushed, wet, skin with angry fists.

* * *

_Derek was on an operating table_

_"It's going to be okay." She stared down at him, trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince him. He looked pale. He was bleeding. He'd been shot. _

_"Kiss me," Derek whispered. She stared at him in silence, and then did as she was told. Her lips lingered._

_"I'm not gonna die," Derek spoke softly as he struggled through his words, "I promise."_

* * *

'He's not gonna die,' Meredith reminded herself, 'He promised.' He wasn't dead, she was certain, but she didn't remember where he was. The unknown made her pace even faster. Her heart contracted so quickly and forcefully she could feel it rattle her entire rib cage.

"Meredith." Christina spoke softly, "Please calm down, I wasn't trying to upset you. I said I was sorry."

"Where is Derek?" Meredith asked, "I need to call him."

"Meredith. You have Alzheimer's." Christina stated in a matter of fact, flat tone, "It's okay. You don't remember."

"I am not my mother." Meredith said softly.

"No," Christina agreed, "You're not your mother, but you're still suffering from her disease."

Meredith needed to find him. The urge was tearing her insides apart. She'd been here before.

* * *

_"What happened?" Meredith asked. She was disoriented. They were in the woods. She didn't know where. _

_"The plane crashed. That's what happened." Christina said, "We were in a plane and it crashed! Plane crash."_

_"Where is Derek!?" Meredith screamed and her voice echoed through the trees. She turned around to face Christina, panic evident on both of their faces, "Christina where is Derek?"_

_"He was sucked out the side when we hit the trees, and then the back of the plane came off… It came… It came off." Christina rambled on the verge of tears._

* * *

She reached for Christina's phone that had been left on the coffee table.

"What are you doing?" Christina asked, concern evident in her voice.

Meredith didn't answer. She dialed the number she'd dialed many times before, but this time it didn't ring. This time she didn't hear Derek Shepherd answer. She didn't hear his voice. It didn't even go to Derek Shepherd's voice mail. This time the operator told Meredith the number was out of service. Meredith froze. She was sure she dialed the correct number.

_"Be a hero. You're my person."_

She dialed again. This time she dialed the numbers more slowly to be certain she didn't press a wrong digit by accident. The number was still out of service. Confusion overwhelmed her. 'Where is Derek?' The room spun.

_"He is very dreamy… but he's not the sun. You are." _

She didn't want to be the sun. Even if she was the sun, what was the point if the Earth didn't rotate around it? 'Where was Derek?' She didn't want to be a hero. She wanted Derek. She wanted to remember. She needed to feel safe. 'Why was his number out of service?'

_"Be a hero. You're my person."_

Meredith locked eyes with Christina as defeat took over. She was lost. The room began to spin again and she felt her stomach drop to the floor in a daze. She stared blankly at Christina before dropping the cell phone and falling into the coffee table unconscious.


	6. Chapter Six

**Chapter Six: "Derek Is Dead."**

Meredith could hear muffled voices. Her brain was throbbing against her skull. It was dark, but as she became more aware of her surroundings she realized it was because her eyes were closed. She struggled to open them.

"What the hell is wrong with you Christina?"

_'Alex. That was Alex's voice,'_ Meredith thought as she struggled to gain consciousness. She could feel the tension in the room.

"She has a concussion."

_'Amelia,'_ Meredith identified the voice immediately. She couldn't open her eyes. It was too hard. She was too tired. Her head hurt. Her stomach churned violently.

"Meredith, wake up."

_'Christina,'_ Meredith was aware. Too aware. Everything was clear. Too clear. Her eyes fluttered open and she glanced at her surroundings. She knew this place. She'd spent far too many years in this building. She was in a bed in a patient room at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. She was in Seattle, Washington. She was in a hospital and Derek was dead.

"Derek." Meredith could barely choke out his name. Her throat felt raw and dry, "Derek is dead."

Christina reached for Meredith's shaking hands and grasped them tightly.

"Derek is dead!" Meredith screamed. Her voice cracked and she began to thrash in the hospital bed that Alex was pinning her to.

"Meredith, please breathe." Amelia ordered, "Inhale slowly. We aren't going to hurt you."

Meredith fell back into the pillows. She was tired of fighting. She was tired of suffering. The tears cascaded onto her cheeks as her mind gave her the knowledge it had been hiding from her for so long. Tears. Tears were no stranger. She was tired of crying. She cried all the time.

"Let go of me." Meredith ordered, "I'm not a wild animal. I am a person. A human being. A surgeon. A surgeon that used to work at this hospital I am being manhandled in. You three were my coworkers… fellow board members. Back off. Back the hell off. My husband is dead."

Alex loosened his grip on her shoulders, "What day is it?"

"April 23rd," Meredith whispered, "2035. Derek died exactly 20 years ago today."

The memory haunted her.

* * *

_She stared at Derek's lifeless body in a cold, dark, hospital room. There was a stranger. She was a nurse. She was the one that was going to end his life. He was hooked up to machines she saw every day. As a surgeon she knew exactly what those machines were doing for his body; a body that was no longer serving him. _

"_Derek." Meredith whispered, "Derek. You_ _go. We'll be fine."_

* * *

'Why in the hell did it still hurt so much?' Meredith thought as she willed the memory away. 'Don't go…' Meredith begged his memory, 'We're not fine.' The memory she so desperately searched for, she wanted to disappear. The tears wouldn't stop. She felt nauseous. She pushed Christina away and almost fell out of the bed as she rushed to the bathroom. She collapsed around the toilet and dry heaved. She was so weak. She dry heaved again and again. Her stomach had nothing to offer. She hadn't eaten in days. She felt exhausted. 'Derek is dead.' She gagged. Her abdominal muscles ached after the exertion.

"She's lucid."

Meredith heard Amelia say from the other room. She felt like a lab rat. She wiped hastily at her burning cheeks. The news was two decades old, but the wound felt fresh. Derek was dead. She tried to inhale slowly, but sobs rattled through her throat. She felt Christina pull her away from the toilet and sink to the floor behind her. She leaned back into Christina's chest. She needed just a sliver of strength, but she couldn't muster any. Christina rocked her gently.

"Why?" Meredith asked, "Why do I still miss him?"

"Meredith," Christina soothed, "Shh…. It's okay. Of course you miss him. Why wouldn't you? He was your husband… the father of your children. He was a big part of your life...the love of your life…You still love him."

Meredith shook her head, "I moved on. I moved forward with my life. I had a life. I didn't freeze."

"You never dealt with this." Christina argued, "Classic Grey. It's what you do. It's what I do."

Meredith hid her face in her hands and exhaled.

"Let's be honest. You hardly had time to deal with this." Christina defended, "You raised three kids, moved to a new place, worked full time as a kick ass surgeon, won the Harper Avery, established a brilliant career, moved back, and now you have Alzheimer's."

"I miss him." Meredith whispered, "I love him. Still…. so much."

"Of course you do." Christina nodded, "Come on."

Meredith let Christina help her up from the floor. She let herself be led back into her hospital room and she stared grimly at Amelia.

"I'm so sorry," Amelia whispered, "I know it has to feel like a shock to be rudely brought back to reality this way. I'm sorry. I still miss him too."

Meredith said nothing. Everything was very clear. She heard Derek, but this time she knew he was no where near her. Derek was dead.

* * *

"_If there's a crisis, you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward because you've seen worse. You've survived worse and you know we'll survive too."_

* * *

He was right, she didn't freeze. She moved forward, but she wasn't sure she was really surviving. She threw herself into work and motherhood. She had no time to freeze. She had no time to be a widow. The physical pain she felt was relentless.

"Mom are you okay?"

Meredith's burning eyes found the doorway, "Ellie…."

Ellis Shepherd ran into the room, enveloping her mother in a desperate hug.

"I came as soon as I got Amelia's message." Ellis breathed into Meredith's hair, "Bailey and Zola are on their way."

"Why don't we give them a moment," Amelia suggested as she shuffled Alex and Christina out of the room, "Elle… Just a few minutes... I need to finish examining her. Don't let her go to sleep okay?"

"Okay," Ellis nodded and turned back to her mom. She surveyed her, "Mom?"

Meredith stared at her daughter. She was so young and innocent. At just 19 years old she had her entire life ahead of her. The world hadn't screwed her up yet, although she wasn't sure how. She had a mother with a screwed up brain and a dead father she never knew. Meredith stroked her daughter's blonde hair, "How are you sweet girl?"

"You're you." Ellis smiled, "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too." Meredith hugged her again, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this…. I'm just so sorry."

Ellis pulled away and placed her hands on either side of Meredith's face, "Don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

Meredith nodded, knowing in her heart that her daughter was right, but the feeling of failure didn't dissipate. She felt guilt. She knew what it was like to deal with a mother plagued by dementia. It was hard. It was heartbreaking. She was grateful that she had three children. It gave her a shimmer of hope and relief that none of them had to go through this alone.

"Why are you so sad?" Ellis asked softly.

Meredith shook her head slowly. She didn't want to lay a single burden on her innocent miracle child. She stared into the bright, gleaming, sparkle of her daughter's eyes. She saw Derek there. She almost burst into tears all over again.

"Mom." Ellis wiped at Meredith's cheeks with the pads of her thumbs, "You can tell me. I'm not a little girl anymore. I can take it."

"I just…" Meredith inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly in an attempt to gather her composure, "I just… Miss your daddy. That's all. I miss him all the time. I've never stopped. I can't make it stop. I have this hole… It feels like a giant hole in my chest and it hurts… It just hurts."

Ellis hugged her mom again and this time she stroked Meredith's hair and rubbed her back, "I wish I knew him. I think about him all the time. I talk to him too."

Meredith smiled, "I bet he listens. He loves you. I hope you know that. He wanted you so much."

It was Ellis' turn to cry.

"Please don't ever settle for anything." Meredith whispered, "Not anything ever. Not a career, not a house, not a guy…. nothing. If there is one thing you learn from your dad and I… please… let it be that you are good enough. You are special…. and you are so dearly loved."

"Mom, stop." Ellis begged, "Why do you sound like you're saying goodbye?"

"Because." Meredith whispered as she drank in the sight of her beautiful daughter trying to commit her face to her untrustworthy memory, "I'm not sure when I'll see you again. I never know when I'll be lucid and I just need to make sure you know."

"I know." Ellis nodded as she searched her mother's eyes, "I wish you were happy."

"I am happy." Meredith smiled gently but it didn't reach her eyes, "I have three beautiful children who are growing up to be extraordinary. I am so proud of all three of you. I had a wonderful career. I was loved. I'm happy. I worked hard… Now I get to see the payoff."

_'Sort of_' She thought to herself, '_If I'm lucid.'_

"But you're still loved," Ellis whispered, "I'm sorry that you miss him so much."

Meredith felt a lump in her throat, "I do… but you know what? He's right here…" Meredith patted her chest where her aching heart thudded weakly beneath, "And I see him in you and your brother's eyes… Your smile. I see him all the time. Everywhere I go. I hear him… a lot. If I weren't already diagnosed as crazy, I would question my sanity."

Ellis smiled, "What does he say?"

"He's says all sorts of things." Meredith sighed and smiled as she thought of him, "He bosses me around…"

"Well someone should." Ellis giggled slightly, "You're so stubborn sometimes."

Meredith loved the sound of her daughter's laugh, "He was just as stubborn… probably more… He called ME bossy."

"What else?" Ellis asked, "Does he tell you he loves you?"

"He does." Meredith nodded her voice soft and quiet, "All the time… He had such a beautiful way with words. The memory that sticks out the most is the last one. He was leaving. He was so happy. We both were. He told me to wait for him…. but he never came back…. and I just can't…. I can't…. stop waiting for him. I know that he isn't coming back. He's gone…. but I'm still waiting. I can't make myself stop. He is my home."

Ellis squeezed her mother's hand, "Well I know deep in my heart of hearts that he is waiting for you too."

Meredith pulled Ellis close again, kissing her forehead.

* * *

_It was a perfect morning. Derek was staring at her. They were in bed. Their bed. They were in their bed in their dream house. Morning sunlight spilled into the bedroom windows. She stared into his eyes. _

"_I want more… of this, of us, of… I wanna have more." He was smiling at her now, "Let's have more." _

_She laughed, eyebrows raised, not taking him seriously._

"_I mean it!" Derek wore a look of pure bliss._

"_You're crazy!" Meredith shook her head, smile fading._

"_That's not a 'no'…" Derek pointed out._

"_Another baby?" Meredith asked in disbelief._

"_Sure." Derek's eyes danced with her's._

"_I…Seriously?" She questioned him, thinking it was an impossible task._

"_Completely serious," Derek smiled and pulled the covers away from her body._

"_Like, right now?!" Meredith asked as he climbed on top of her._

_They were both laughing. He was serious._

* * *

_'And then came Ellis.'_ Meredith smiled and stroked her daughter's hair. Derek's parting gift. Their little miracle. She was grateful. She silently thanked her hostile uterus. They sat in silence, enjoying the moment and Meredith's lucidity. While her mind raced through file after file acknowledging the reality of the universe, Meredith could only focus on one thing. Derek was dead.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Chapter Seven: "I Want A Lifetime."**

Meredith was lying transfixed in her hospital bed. She lost herself in the stillness of the room. It was well after 10:00PM. She still felt weak. She was exhausted and still lucid. She'd spent most of the day being poked and prodded by Amelia. Meredith spent hours listening to all the advances in Alzheimer research. She learned about drugs and procedures. Amelia's passion for Derek's project was thrilling. She'd received every sort of scan, fluids, and she'd finally eaten both lunch and dinner with all three of her children. She paused at the thought of her beautiful children. She was a mother. Derek had given her children.

* * *

"_I don't want you to be alone. If anything should happen to me, I don't want it to just be you." His voice was soft and serious._

"_Well, we would make pretty babies," Meredith spoke as her eyes glistened. _

"_So you're thinking about it?" Derek smiled._

"_Oh.. I'm thinking about it." _

* * *

Meredith closed her eyes. They did make pretty babies. She was so happy she'd thought about it. She was so thankful he'd given her a family. They created life. She had people to love. She had half of him in each of her children. She wasn't alone.

She closed her eyes and focused on her heart beat. If she held completely still she could hear it contracting repeatedly. _Lub-dub. Lub-dub. _She thought about all the times she laid in bed with Derek cuddled up with her head on his chest. She would listen to his heart and softly stroke his skin. She loved hearing his body proclaim life. Sometimes she was certain that their hearts beat in time together as one. _Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub_.

* * *

"_48 uninterrupted hours."_

* * *

His voice called to her. When she was lucid, she was well aware of how far away he was. He wasn't real. She swallowed hard. Her esophagus constricted in protest. She longed to hear his heart beat. _Lub-Dub. Lub-Dub. _

* * *

"_48 uninterrupted hours."_

* * *

She would love to be anywhere with him for 48 uninterrupted hours. She would actually prefer forever, but she would take 48 uninterrupted hours over nothing. It had been too long. Twenty years. She sighed, forcing her trachea to exhale the breath that kept catching in her lungs. She breathed in slowly, filling each lobe of her lung to capacity. _Lub-dub. Lub-dub._

* * *

"_I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you. I wanna build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms."_

* * *

He followed through. Derek was never one to break promises. He did all of those things. He married her. They had kids. He built her a beautiful house, but he didn't grow old with her. He wasn't going to die when he was 110 years old in her arms. Her heart lurched.

* * *

"_I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."_

* * *

She wanted a lifetime too. She missed him. They had been so close to having a lifetime._ Lub-Dub. Lub-Dub_. Her chest had a faint ache in it. She focused on her breathing. The room was silent. Visiting hours were over. She searched for peace. She found it in his voice.

* * *

_"I'm not gonna get down on one knee. I'm not gonna ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey… And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."_

* * *

A lone tear slipped down her cheek. With closed eyes she memorized his soft features in the moments of his proposal. Her greatest fear was that she would forget him. Derek. Her Derek. She searched her brain for his scent, his smile, the touch of his skin. She imagined him inside of her, filling her completely. _Lub-dub. Lub-dub_. She imagine laying with him; feeling safe. She heard his laugh. She ran her fingers through his hair. She stared into his eyes.

* * *

_"What do we want to promise each other?" Derek asked._

_"That you'll love me… even when you hate me." Meredith said._

_"To love each other, even when we hate each other," Derek repeated as he scribbled on Meredith's post it pad and then added, "No running. Ever. Nobody walks out no matter what happens."_

* * *

Meredith wanted to run. She wanted to run as far away as she could. She wanted to run straight into Derek's arms. _Lub-dub. Lub-dub_. Her chest ached. She felt faint.

* * *

_"No running." Meredith agreed._

_"What else?" Derek questioned as he continued the scribble._

_"That we'll take care of each other even when we're old and smelly and senile…" Meredith replied, "And if I get Alzheimier's and forget you…"_

_Derek cut her off, "I will remind you who I am. Every day."_

* * *

_Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub._ Meredith could hear her heart rate increasing. A searing pain shot through her sternum. Something wasn't right._ 'Derek.'_ She told herself, _'he isn't here to remind you._' She refused to forget him. He didn't choose to break his vows, a bastard in a truck did. An incompetent hospital, with an incompetent staff broke his vows.

_Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub_. She tried to breath, but her ribcage wouldn't expand. She clutched her chest.

* * *

"_I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."_

* * *

She watched Derek take a bullet to the chest.

She saw Derek lying in a pool of blood.

She saw herself covered in his blood.

She searched for Derek in a forrest, screaming his name at the top of her lungs.

She saw Derek fainting to the ground.

Plane crash.

She saw Derek lying in a hospital bed.

Dead. Derek was dead.

Her heart seized. She could no longer hear the _Lub-dub_ of her working cardiac muscle. She struggled for air through the pain in her chest. She was feeling lightheaded. She reached for the help button. She thought about paging a nurse. Her heart sputtered.

She closed her eyes. It was bright. The room was so incredibly bright. Her chest ran hot with pain. She could feel her heart cramping. Her left arm was going numb. She felt nausea. Her head pounded in protest.

* * *

_"I'm scared." Meredith whispered._

_"I know." Derek whispered back. His features were soft. He looked peaceful and soothing, "__You can do this."_

_She was drawn to his soft smile, his soft voice. He calmed her panic._

_"It'll be over in a second." _

_She found comfort in his eyes. She searched his face. The pain wasn't so bad._

_Derek nodded, "You can do this Meredith."_

_"Okay." Meredith replied and she believed him._

_"Okay." Derek nodded._

* * *

Meredith dropped the help button. She wasn't going to page a nurse. She was going to see Derek. _April 23_. She hated this day. She pictured his face as a storm raged through her chest. _Lub...du... Lub...d... Lub...du..._.She saw herself in the water again. She was swimming. She was fighting. Twenty years had been too long. She closed her eyes and a small smile rested on her lips. She wasn't going to fight it. She wasn't going to swim. She exhaled her last breath. Lub…..

"_I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime." _

Silence.

Time of death: 23:17


	8. Chapter Eight

**Chapter Eight: "When the carousel stops turning..."**

Meredith squeezed her eyes as tightly shut as possible. The pain was gone. Derek was gone. She couldn't hear anything. Silence. She slowly opened her eyes. The room was bright. Her hospital gown was gone. She had on white surgical scrubs and Derek's ferry boat scrub cap. She was alone, at least she thought she was alone until she heard that familiar voice she was always afraid to hear.

"They told me you'd be coming." Ellis Grey said from a chair across the room. She wore white scrubs and had an odd smile on her face. She looked calm. Pleased.

"Mom?" Meredith questioned, "What are you doing here?"

"The carousel finally stopped turning Meredith." Ellis said softly.

"I'm dead." Meredith stated.

"Yes." Ellis nodded, "But we're all going to die anyway. I was so pleased to hear you were on your way."

Meredith stared at her mother, "You're actually happy to see me?"

"Of course I'm happy to see you Meredith." Ellis scoffed, "Have you seen what you've accomplished in your lifetime? I've been dying to tell you how proud you've made me. I only wish I could of been there to cheer you on."

Meredith processed this information quietly. This side of her mother was rare. She was rarely on the receiving end of praise from Dr. Ellis Grey, but they were both dead. Maybe death brought out the good in people.

"Meredith," Ellis stood from the chair and approached the bed that Meredith sat on, "I'm so sorry you had to endure so many terrible things. You've overcome so many obstacles. I'm so relieved you are no longer suffering, especially from that dreadful disease."

"It was awful mom," Meredith sighed as she searched her mother's eyes for answers.

"He's here," Ellis nodded and then smiled, "I know that you're wondering about him."

"Derek?" Meredith swallowed hard as his name took flight from her lips.

"Derek is dead." Ellis reminded.

"Don't." Meredith pulled away. She hated hearing those words. She didn't care how long it had been. Time had not made it any easier for her to hear that statement. It was so final. So real. She hadn't had time to process the fact that she was dead too. She felt like she was dreaming. She was lucid. She remembered everything from her life, and the fact that Derek was dead was her least favorite thing to remember.

In the hallway a wheelchair went speeding passed her doorway. Her name trailed after it.

"Meredith!"

She heard a familiar crash. It sounded like a tray of medical instruments scattering to the floor in a series of clattering clinks. Meredith raced out into the hallway to find George O'Malley on the floor under a pile of medical equipment.

"George." Meredith grinned and ran to him. She touched his face, "George! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah. Of course. Just having fun. It's a lot of fun up here," George was halfway laughing, "We heard you would be here soon. It's so good to see you."

Meredith glanced back at her mother, "How do you all know this?"

"Derek." George announced.

"Derek." Meredith whispered.

"O'malley, why don't you catch Meredith up. I'll meet you both upstairs," Ellis said as she made her way to exit. She stopped next to her daughter and placed her hands on either side of Meredith's face, "I wish I would have told you more often… you are anything but ordinary." She placed a soft peck on Meredith's forehead and then left the room.

Meredith stood speechless as she watched her mother disappear.

"Things are pretty different up here," George said, "Come on. Wanna race?"

Meredith exhaled slowly, "I finally receive approval from my dead mother when I'm dead. The irony continues into the afterlife."

Meredith followed George down the hallway. It was exactly like Grey Sloan Memorial except it was bright. Everything was bright, white, and it was deserted. Still, it was familiar and she felt peaceful as she followed George. They found two wheelchairs and each sat in one.

"I'll race you to the stairs." George said, "Ready?"

"What are you supposed to catch me up on?" Meredith asked.

"Just follow me…." George ordered, "Ready. Set. GO!"

Meredith pushed the wheels as fast as she could, but George had clearly had more practice. Still, she laughed. She really laughed. Her laughter bubbled out of her chest and echoed down the hallways as she raced to catch up to him. "I feel like I'm flying!"

George was still in his chair waiting for her at the stairs, "Wanna race again? What's really fun is to get two more people to push us in hospital beds. You can go pretty fast. I've been practicing… You took forever to get here."

"You were wishing death on me?" Meredith scoffed, "George, that's terrible."

George laughed, "It's not terrible. I'm selfish. We're all selfish. It's great here… and we all know how the carousel is not so great."

"It had great moments." Meredith argued.

"It sure did." A familiar female voice agreed.

Meredith rotated her wheelchair to find Lexie Grey coming to the top of the stairs. She looked beautiful. George stood from his chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and let a proud grin cover his face.

"Lexie!" Meredith mumbled through a disbelieving grin.

"I thought you were going to wait upstairs?" George asked.

"I lied," Lexie almost squealed as she ran toward her sister.

Meredith jumped out of her chair and embraced Lexie in a tight hug.

"I felt like I would NEVER see you again!" Lexie gushed as she pulled back, "They told me to wait upstairs but I couldn't take it."

"You're okay." Meredith smiled, "You're good. You look good."

"So do you. You haven't aged a day." Lexie laughed, "I'm glad you didn't have to suffer by the way. Physical pain I mean. Gore. That was such a bitch."

"The plane." Meredith replied hating the memory, "I'm so sorry Lexie."

"Don't worry about it." Lexie smiled. She had a school girl excitement bubbling into her innocent face.

"Are you guys going to keep holding up the plan or what?!"

Meredith's eyes widened at the booming voice coming from down in the lobby. She'd know that voice anywhere.

"Mark?!" Meredith whispered as she stared at Lexie.

Lexie nodded with excitement and then corrected her, "McSteamy..."

Meredith almost giggled as she allowed Lexie to take her hand.

"Come on you guys," George demanded and led them down the stairs. He sounded like a little boy that was excited about his favorite candy in a candy store.

Meredith saw Mark Sloan sitting on the counter of the large, circular, nursing station waiting for them.

"Mark," Meredith greeted as she reached the bottom of the stairs, "It's you!"

"Shut up Big Grey," Mark rolled his eyes and pulled her in to his chest.

The hug felt nice. Seeing these people felt nice. All the grief she'd experienced in her life was officially over. She almost felt giddy.

"It's good to see you." Mark smiled, "I've missed my favorite dirty mistress. He won't shut up about you. What else is new?"

Meredith searched the lobby. There was fluttering in her chest. All of these people she loved led her to this moment, "Where is he?"

"Let's take the elevator and find out," Mark replied.

Meredith followed him to the elevator. She felt butterflies. She felt emotional. She turned around to see George and Lexie staying behind, "Are you guys coming?"

"We're taking the stairs," George replied as he shook his head.

"We'll see you up there don't worry," Lexie smiled.

Meredith waved, sad to see them go so soon. She didn't trust that she would see them again. She turned back to face Mark. The elevator dinged.

"Are you ready for this?" Mark asked with a grin.

"Ready for what?" Meredith felt panic, "Is this a dream?"

"No," Mark replied as the elevator doors slid open, "He waited for you."

"He waited for me," Meredith repeated in a whisper as she stared into the elevator. Their elevator. Her eyes met his.

"Of course I waited for you," Derek smiled his perfect smile and extended his hand to her.

"Derek." Meredith smiled. She took his extended hand. He was real. He was fine. Tears spilled over onto her cheeks and she went to him. She closed her eyes as she felt his arms wrapping around her and repeated his name, "Derek."


	9. Chapter Nine

**Chapter Nine: "This Is Forever…"**

"Meredith," Derek hesitated as he spoke, his eyes scanning every inch of her face.

She grinned as she stared back at him, his voice caressed her ears like a beautiful symphony. She couldn't believe he was real, "Derek."

"I'm so sorry." He whispered and pressed his forehead to hers. His hands stroked the back of her head.

Her index finger found his lips. She caressed the outline of them with her touch and then pressed on them as she gently quieted him, "For what?"

"For everything," Derek shrugged and pulled her to his chest, "All my broken promises. Leaving you alone with three kids… not being there for you when you got sick…. everything. I'm just sorry. I hated every second of being apart from you. This wasn't how any of it was ever supposed to be."

She snuggled deeper into his chest and buried her face in the space where his neck met his collar bone, "Derek. You have nothing to apologize for. You didn't choose this. It was out of our control."

He inhaled, his nose buried deep in her hair, "I've missed you. It's been hell watching you and not being able to be with you."

Meredith pulled away just enough to look up into his eyes, "But you WERE with me. I didn't forget you. You kept your promise."

"That's how much I love you…" Derek grinned and kissed her quickly on the nose, "I'm pretty unforgettable."

Meredith laughed, "And still awfully fond of yourself I see..." Her contagious bubble of giggles filled the elevator. They were alone. It was almost heaven, literally. Silence enveloped them as they reacquainted themselves with the other person's features. Twenty years of their lives and so many words left unsaid floated between their gaze toward each other. Being temporarily separated by death only made their love stronger.

"I'm proud of you Meredith." Derek said quietly. He stared at her with a serious face, although nothing but love and adoration poured out of his eyes towards her, "I couldn't have picked a better woman to be the mother of my children. You did a wonderful job. They're perfect."

"They're pretty great Derek…" Meredith smiled at the thought of them, "I'm glad they have each other. I've wished so many times that you were there with us, but I know I can't change anything…"

"They're going to be okay," Derek reassured her, "I promise. They're strong. You taught them everything they need to know. You were a great mom."

"I was terrified..." Meredith confessed, "That I wouldn't be... and when I lost you... I was even more afraid."

"I know." Derek nodded in understanding, "But look how great you did. You loved them enough for both of us."

"I don't know about enough for both of us," Meredith shrugged, "But at least I did better than my mother."

Derek smiled, "I had no doubts."

"You waited for me…" Meredith ran her hands through his hair, her eyes stared at his lips. She was so thankful for this moment.

"And you waited for me," Derek whispered, emotion caught in his throat, "You didn't have to do that Mer… You had every right to move on."

Meredith pressed her lips to his, "I did Derek. I moved forward. I was a surgeon. I was a mother. I had friends. I saved lives."

"I love you." Derek smiled, "I just…. love you."

"This is forever…." Meredith smiled back.

* * *

"_I will remind you who I am every day." Derek promised, "To take care when old, senile, and smelly…. This is forever…"_

_She watched him sign the post it before he handed it to her, "Sign it."_

"_This is our wedding. A post-it?" She asked._

"_Mmhmm." Derek nodded, "If you sign it."_

* * *

"This is forever…" Derek kissed her forehead.

"This is literally forever." Meredith replied and stared at him in disbelief.

"Um. Yes." Derek nodded and then teased, "I hope you're okay with that because now there is no running. Even if you wanted to. There's nowhere to go. You can't bail. You're stuck with me."

Meredith giggled again, "There's no place I'd rather be."

"We're almost there." Derek sighed looking up at the floor numbers above the elevator doors.

"Where?" Meredith followed his gaze.

"Upstairs." Derek replied nonchalantly.

"Upstairs?" Meredith questioned.

"Heaven." Derek pulled her to him, "Afterlife… you know…the place of freedom and happiness. Where dead people go."

Meredith couldn't keep the smile from invading her face. She was on her way to forever with him just like they'd promised. Her Derek. Her husband. She would spend an eternity of bliss with the love of her life. She'd been terrified to want him. She'd feared letting herself love him. She was terrified she'd lose him. She did lose him, but being with him in the elevator now erased all of the pain. She stared at their hands clasped together. It made the journey worth it. She watched the numbers light up as the elevator moved passed each floor. So much had happened in that elevator. Their elevator.

* * *

_"I'm not going out with you." Meredith said from behind him._

_"Did I ask you to go out with me?" Derek replied._

_Silence._

_"Do you want to go out with me?" Derek asked._

_"I'm not dating you." Meredith shook her head, "And I'm definitely not sleeping with you again. You're my boss."_

_"I'm you're boss's boss." Derek corrected._

_"You're my teacher." Meredith argued, "And you're my teacher's teacher. And you're MY teacher."_

_"I'm your sister. I'm your daughter." Derek teased and almost rolled his eyes._

_"You're sexually harassing me." Meredith replied._

_"I'm riding an elevator," Derek defended._

* * *

Meredith almost laughed. They'd come so far.

* * *

_"I'm not gonna get down on one knee. I'm not gonna ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey... And I wanna spend the rest of my life... with you." _

_"And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." _

* * *

Derek kissed the back of her hand that rested in his. They were going down memory lane together.

* * *

_They were alone in the elevator. She was crying._

_"What's the point?" Meredith cried as she wiped at her tears, "I mean. Is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up... and random... and mean... now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers." _

_Derek turned her to face him and pulled her to his chest. They embraced tightly._

_"Listen," Derek said as he pushed her away slightly, "I will make sure we have a baby. I promise you. One way or another, you and I will be parents. I promise you."_

* * *

They both thought fondly of the painful memory. They had not one, but three babies. They were parents. It was just another promise Derek didn't break. The elevator was just another part of their journey. Meredith pulled Derek to her and kissed him. She kissed him until he took her breath away. They parted for air and then she kissed him again. Derek pushed her up against the wall for old times sake. The action made her smile into his kiss as a giggle slipped from her hungry lips. Their tongues explored each other until the elevator dinged. Meredith looked up. The doors opened, letting bright light flood into the elevator. Derek offered her his hand. She wasn't sure what to expect on the other side, but she didn't care. Derek was there. She grabbed his hand with a content smile. With the past behind her and the unknown ahead of her, all she knew was that she was finally home.

_"This. Is. Forever." _

* * *

**_AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this story. A little extra thank you to all of you who left reviews. I really enjoyed reading them. MERDER FOREVER! XO_**


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